Updated: Oct 7, 2019
Since June, I have graduated a BA Hons with a high 2.1, accepted to do a Masters at Sunderland University, admitted to things going a bit too far with a friend because I was so lonely, lost my beloved tutor of five years to a totally undiagnosed heart condition, informed I am being divorced, worried I have damaged my children and started to try and find work in order to stand on my own two feet in the future...and breathe....
Traumatic is not a strong enough word, but a good enough word to describe life at the moment. Hurting my children is the very worst trauma of all. I rested on my laurels and assumed that I was the very best mother in the world to my children, but circumstances that I found myself in and how I behaved because of those circumstances have completely changed the way they see me. It is devastating, heartbreaking and for the life of me, I do not know how to fix it. My immediate response is to run away and hide. Somewhere safe, somewhere small and cosy, somewhere where the outside world and being judged would not reach me. But I cannot do this. I am still a mother with responsibilities. I am still totally and utterly financially dependent on my husband of twenty-two years and I have nowhere to go.
In case anyone ever says different to you, dear readers, divorce is horrific. You are unbelievably vulnerable. You feel totally unwanted. You are forced into doing something that you do not want to do. You are absolutely terrified because of an unknown future looming ahead of you with no way of affording to keep yourself when you have not been in the workplace for twenty-two years. As a full-time mother and housewife you are not even entitled to a pension because you have not contributed to the state.
Even though my husband either worked in London or lived abroad, I was always very confident in my ability to provide a loving and fun home for my children. We went through some really tough times. Cancer being one of the many. But never, ever did I think that I would ever be the cause of hurt or upset my children. Having children was all I ever wanted - probably due to a mother dying when I was five and being brought up an only child - they were the very best gift that my husband ever gave me. Total perfection in my eyes. But I have totally disappointed them and left them feeling that they do not know who I am. I had hoped that at their ages - 21, 19 and 17 - they would know inherently and that even though I have done something wrong, I am still exactly the same person as I always have been.
Anyway, confession done. I am not Catholic so sadly Hail Marys will not absolve me of my sins. Time (great old cliche) is an amazing healer and I hope with all my heart and everything that I am, that it will end up being the case for the relationship between myself and my children.
I was going to write about how I am trying to sort myself out financially (renovating old gypsy caravans, photoshoots etc) but I will leave that for another day...